Friday, August 22, 2008

Avoiding the Inevitable

This month has had a lot of firsts...first dealings with a job layoff, first year of cheer leading, first year of school for Emma, my first very best friend passing away (that would be my dog), my first dance class in..., oh my gosh...has it really been, 20 YEARS???!!!...some firsts bigger and more life changing than far, I have avoided talking about the inevitable, Emma going to school...mostly because I couldn't. Even the thought of it would cause a flood of emotion. Her gymnastics coach asked me a couple of weeks ago if she was in school yet, simple question, but I couldn't answer. Of course the answer was obvious and she changed the subject quickly, probably thinking I was insane to cry over such a simple question. It's funny, here I sit crying just typing about it. Fact is, this is a close of a chapter in my life. This chapter ending means a lot of things for me, for one, I am that much closer to death! (Yes, I honestly think about this...daily...several 27 least!) Two, my baby is not going to be a baby much longer and I can't stand that. I don't want anymore babies, so she is it and I have to hold on to that as long as I can...or...I can just hold onto your baby? :). She is already trying to be more grown up than she is, wanting to wear her hair like the girl she saw in dance class or cheer leading, wanting to wear make-up or wanting to wear her skirt on her hips, like the big girls wear. Three, I am that much closer to becoming a grandmother, which at this point I am even looking forward to cause I know that is THE ONLY WAY I will have another baby to hold. In essence, I have to tell myself every day that 31 really isn't that old, although, your children growing up can really make you feel that way. I find myself comparing myself to celebrities on t.v., by age..."See Malia, Christina Applegate is older than you and Jennifer Love Hewitt will be 31 in February! You are NOT that old!

So, as you see there are many complex reasons in my little world that would have me crying at the mere mention of the words "Emma" or "school". So, yes, this is another post about her...the one and only, Princess Emma. (Yes, the boys are still alive and will be blogged about soon, I promise).

On this day, Emma's first day of school, we woke the Princess from a deep, deep sleep. She awoke with the most beautiful smile, bright blue eyes and blue birds sweeping her beautiful golden curls from her face.

We fed the Princess poached quail eggs on toasted rye spread with only the finest mayonnaise. You may think that is the remnants of mayonnaise on her face, but alas, it is the gleam from her sparkling white teeth.

The Princess then instructed us what clothes to dress her in and had us fetch her bag.

Then off to school we went, first dropping off the Princes, knowing that the Princess would most likely need us to linger in case she had a bout of shyness.

Out of the carriage we three piled, I grabbing Princess Emma's hand, lead the way across the parking lot and down the hallway of education. We got to her classroom door and....

she let go....

She walked away...without a whimper, without a word, without blinking an eye and certainly without a tear...

I walked back down that Hallway of Education, not making eye contact with anyone, praying that no one would speak to me, expecting an answer back, running to that parking lot as fast as I could, so that I could let out that flood that I was holding back. She was gone.

Later I would catch myself looking at the clock at least every hour and wonder what she was doing and if she was looking at the clock in the classroom wondering what we were doing. We remembered back to this day five years ago when a young Prince Dylan entered the Hallway of Education. He lingered. We wondered all day what he was doing and sat on pins and needles waiting for the clock to strike two.

So here I sit, five days afterward, still being emotional, still watching the clock. It ticks by too fast. A day that seems like forever until the clock will strike two also sends the years spiraling far too fast.

These are the moments that don't last long enough....


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