Sunday, October 05, 2008

Pulling the Plug

I reached a low tonight. I was okay, for one. week. Then, it was placed where there was no way I wouldn't see it. When your name pops up, there it is. The picture. The one I didn't know about. The trip I didn't know was taking place. But others did.

You see, those people there, that is one of the sisters I told you about, the father, I mentioned, the stepmom and her dog, and although that hurts, what hurts the most is the man in black in the back and the sweet blonde seated beside my sister. You see, every year that family, minus the blonde and the man in black, they go to Florida twice a year, every year without fail. Me and the man in the black aren't invited. I don't know, maybe he is and he just never told me, but he doesn't go. He hasn't been, that I know of. Come to think of it, maybe they all have always gone and I just never knew.

So tonight, not long after speaking with my journey group leader, ironically, I told her, I was okay, until in another couple of weeks when I felt I would be hit again by something hurtful because that is just how it happens. I didn't tell her I was meeting my sister that night. I don't know why I didn't, I guess I didn't want to bother her with the details. Well, that couple of weeks came early.

Tonight I went to my sister's house to pick up something of mine she had. It hurt. There was a pain in my heart. It doesn't go away. I hate this. It was a very short exchange. Maybe one minute. Then I was gone. It hurt. I told myself, "Keep your emotions in check." I prayed on the way to her house that God would give me the wisdom of saying the right words, not having hostility...and not getting emotional. I guess he granted those prayers, but it hurt. But she was hiding something. She looked me in the eye and she knew.

I came home. My hubby checked on me, knowing how hard this has been for me, bless his heart, and I assured him I was fine. I ate my pizza and signed into Myspace.

There it was. I don't even have to enter her page. It pops up automatically. Pictures from Florida trip 2008. I can't help myself. I look. I thought it was just she and her husband on a little trip together. I had no idea what I was digging into. First their dog. Then a picture of she and my aunt. Then the two sisters... ouch. But the next one, has a girl. A girl I don't recognize, but I recognize all the others. She has a hat on, so I can't see her face. There's my father, my aunt, my sisters and their respective others, my other aunt and uncle, my stepmom, but who is that girl in the hat? That isn't one of the cousins that usually attends. So, I go to the next one. It is like I am being guided, but why? Then the next picture, is the one that does me in, there he is. The answer to the girl in the hat. It is my brother. The one I don't want dragged into any of this. The one whose phone calls I did not answer on that first fateful night because I was sobbing and didn't want him to know. The girl in the baseball cap is his girlfriend. The girlfriend that I now see is one of Erin's friends on her Myspace page. The girlfriend I didn't even know had a Myspace page. She is cuddled up to my sister. He was there. He had been invited. He is smiling. I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

I click to the next to see if my blurry eyes are playing tricks on me, but is reality and the next caption reads....

"The family...wait...where is Lauren?"

The family. There they are. The family. I didn't even know it was going on. I am sure this trip wasn't planned in the last two weeks since I received those surprising e-mails. Trips don't happen like that. "Where is Lauren?"!!!! Where is Malia? She knew I would see it. She had to know I would see it. I don't understand it. I can't make sense of it. I don't understand what I did wrong. I wonder, "am I singling myself out to make someone else feel guilty?" Is that what I am doing? Singling myself out? I feel betrayed by him. Then I feel guilty for that because why shouldn't he go?

I called my lifelines. Strange that she actually answered. She was just going on her lunch break. I asked my mom if she knew where Brian had been this week. She giggled and said she did.....she giggled. She knew. She said she knew tht he was going to Florida with my father and the trust had been broken. She had been hiding it too...she knew I had been struggling with this. She giggled? I broke. She told me I had to turn it off. Like a light switch. Turn it off?! Could someone please tell me where the switch is? She doesn't understand. I ended the call. I left my house.

I called Melissa. I cry to her, just begging someone to please help me make sense of this. Her phone died. She didn't recharge.

My phone did not ring again. He hasn't called... she giggled ....and she didn't recharge. It still hasn't rung. I feel so alone. I feel desperately alone in this. I don't understand. I can't comprehend it.

I'm worried. I'm worried about the conversations that went on there. Did they think of me? Did they think of me like I have thought of them all week? Did they give me a thought while they were together there? Have they cried like I have cried?While they were having their family time, did they think of me? Did anyone bring me up? I had to have come up. How could I not? Did they give her thoughts of me that don't put me in the best light? What about him? Did they sway him too?

I'm wrestling with where to go next. What to do. I am alone. The minutes are ticking on. The world continues to spin.


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